"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - unknown
A couple of weeks ago, my manager sent me an HBR article on leadership that differentiated between "powerful" and "likeable" leader qualities. For context, I have received feedback on multiple occasions that I care too much about being liked and that it is hindering my leadership capacity.
For so long, I took issue with this. My thoughts included things like:
"So you're telling me I need to be a b**** in order to be a leader? No thank you."
"Why can't I just be myself and not try to be something I'm not if I'm smart and know what I'm doing?"
"This is archaic, patriarchal bs."
I am also a chronic people-pleaser who has a hard time saying "no." If an acquaintance whom I really didn't care for wanted to grab a coffee, I'd agree to it. If my friend was having a party and I didn't feel like going because I was feeling depressed, I went anyway. If the maintenance guy in my apartment was flirting with me to the point that it was making me uncomfortable, I would go along with it and not say a thing (this is also dangerous and wrong on so many levels). You get the picture.
I needed everyone to like me in order to be "happy."
It didn’t matter if that meant ignoring my values, lying to myself, or pretending to be someone I wasn’t - I would do it. As long as it resulted in me being well-liked by others, it sounded good to me.
Then I talked to my therapist. My oh-so-wise therapist.
Here is what I learned that was so eye-opening for me:
The history:
It is human to want to be liked. We are hardwired to seek acceptance and avoid rejection. Back in the day, we had to build shelter, find food, and defend ourselves from danger every day. And it was much easier to do it in a team. In order to join a "crew", you had to either have a skill that would benefit everyone in the group and/or be liked by people in the group.
Our brains haven't caught up to the fact that we're not running away from wild animals anymore, so we continue to please.
Additional facts:
o It is virtually impossible to make everyone like you.
o Trauma can significantly increase the desire to be liked. From a young age, I convinced myself that if I came across to others as "perfect" as possible, no one would criticize me and everyone would like me. That way, I could maintain control and experience little to no loss in my life. Boy, was I wrong.
o It is easier to rely on the validation of others rather than build trust within ourselves to know that we are enough. That takes a lot of work and discomfort.
o As we grow, it is normal to lose friendships. Letting them go gracefully clears up space for better connections.
o One of the most courageous things we can do as humans is to live true to ourselves and do the work to love who we truly are.
For a minute, I started to doubt my intentions for starting this [Angeline’s blog, as you are] blog, (ironically named, as you are), because I felt like sort of a fraud. How could I lay it all out online, but still struggle with being true to myself in real life?
So, here is my commitment to myself (and hopefully this helps you in some way. If it doesn't, that's ok!):
I will pay attention.
I will pick me first.
I will embrace the journey.
Each time I am trying to create or achieve something, I will step back and ask myself who I'm doing it for. If it is solely to impress someone else, I will dig deeper and ask myself why I feel the need for that, and hopefully pivot.
At work, I will pay attention to when I feel the need to make myself small and try to stick to doing what I think is best for my clients and for the project rather than what would make me more likeable as a consultant.
In life, I will consistently ask myself what Angeline wants and choose that.
I will live my truth no matter where I am.
I will also remember that this does not happen overnight or in a linear fashion, so I will give myself grace every time I fall back into my old patterns.
If I lose friends along the way, that's ok. Those people are not my people, and that's ok.
My worth does not change based on anyone else's judgement, approval, or rejection.
As the quote says, "It's not your job to like me - it's mine." (by Byron Katie).
I hope this inspires you to think about where you’re being inauthentic to who you are and allowing other people to define your choices in your life. Then, to ask yourself if it truly didn't matter what people thought, what new choices you'd make.
Thank you to Angeline for this beautifully-written and genuine article that I'm sure many of us will find extremely helpful and inspiring. Read this post and more on her blog, as you are!