I've come across quite a shocking amount of "good vibes only" aesthetics plastered onto stickers, phone cases, Pinterest wallpapers, shirts... really, you name it. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for positivity. I truly think it's a wonderful mindset, and I admire it a lot. But it's not something that comes naturally to some people, and we often need to really work on our inner selves to reach that state of contentment and positive thinking.
The art of self-care and focusing in on our thoughts are both things I highly encourage and try to consciously practise myself, but at the same time, I believe it's so important to recognize the differences between positivity and toxic positivity in order to be truly accepting of our thoughts and feelings. When I first realised the "just be positive" mindset I induced onto myself, toxic positivity was quite a tricky concept I had to wrap my head around because I felt that positivity and unhealthy positivity really blurred into each other. I completely understand the confusion this topic might bring to some, so after doing some research, I came across this really well-put definition of toxic positivity, courtesy of thepsychologygroup.com.
Picture credits: https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/
To me, healthy positivity includes letting ourselves have the time to identify and embrace our feelings, rather than sweeping it under the rug and brushing it off with a dismissive "it is what it is" or "look on the bright side" sigh. It is sometimes hard to actively spot the latter being forced and unnatural positivity as we might have heard that being said to us many times, or have often inflicted this kind of mindset onto ourselves.
Toxic positivity can originate from our thoughts and processing (or rather not really processing) of emotions. It can also originate from other people. When we experience toxic positivity, we suppress our emotions and deny ourselves the very human behaviour of letting it all out. The gradual buildup of emotions will almost inevitably result in an overflow sooner or later, sending us into unexpectedly low points.
(Okay, to lighten up the mood a bit...)
Of course, this wouldn't be a regular blog post if it didn't have some kind of study embedded, so here we go: in 1997, two groups of people were asked to watch a disturbing medical procedure film in a study. One group was instructed to express their emotions and the other the opposite. They observed that the group which restricted and suppressed their emotions led to worse cognitive functioning as inhibiting emotions required a lot of brainpower. It also led to increased sympathetic activation of the cardiovascular system, or put simply they experienced a greater physical toll!
We all need a good cathartic release sometimes.
However, we also need to be aware of our potential role in spreading toxic positivity. When we listen to a friend's problems, we need to remove the muscle memory of spouting out phrases like "think positive thoughts" or "it could be worse", or even more horrifyingly "be positive because some people have it harder than you" (cringe, please never ever say that to anyone!) These phrases, whether we realize it or not, can potentially do a lot of damage to the receiver's mental health. This is because it dismisses their feelings or experiences, creating e a sense of isolation for them and hence can be destructive especially if they've chosen to take that step and open up about their feelings. It doesn't encourage them to continue expressing their thoughts and worries; instead, it shuts them down and decreases their confidence in opening up to you.
These phrases could also create a sense of shame for feeling emotions that are "negative", and can further invalidate their emotions, leading the person to question the validity of their own experiences. It might nudge them down unhealthy routes of thinking, such as the fear of being overdramatic and having exaggerated their feelings. It might encourage them to dismiss their feelings entirely, an incredibly unhealthy and dangerous thing to do.
Unconsciously spreading toxic positivity can be a difficult habit to remove as phrases that exude toxic positivity may actually be seen as harmless advice to some. I am in no way pointing fingers at anyone because I understand how tricky this concept can be (I really don't mean to sound sarcastic!!). However, as a listener, we should consciously engage in active listening rather than passive listening. We should make sure we really listen to our friend's thoughts before quickly making a judgment and throwing the "good vibes only" stuff at them. Sometimes, the problems they face may not be ones we have encountered ourselves, or may be ones that we don't actually understand how to tackle. In these cases where we are unable to give meaningful advice, we should refrain from forcing out a piece of advice that might potentially do more harm. We could simply let them know we're here for them and that they can always open up to us, and further suggest a few trusted people that could help them or their situation. We need to raise each other up, especially given the myriad of challenges this year has thrown at us. There are so many ways to go about this, and I strongly believe one of the most crucial is eliminating toxic positivity.
I am in no way an expert on living that life of purely healthy positivity. I do occasionally catch myself subconsciously employing the "good vibes only" mentality to justify my feelings, but I've been trying to identify every time I do this and analyse how I could handle the situation in a different way. It sounds tedious, but improvements will be right around the corner- you can do this!
Admittedly, this is way easier said than done, but I really encourage you to be kind to yourself and let your emotions surface. Acknowledge those emotions and take it easy from there. As the saying goes, it's okay to not be okay. I definitely am not perfect in the whole having a superb mentality thing, but my amazing friends are so supportive and really do make a difference. So surround yourself with the people you love, eat your favourite chips, have a chilled out Netflix afternoon all cuddled up in your blanket and don't worry about tests for one afternoon (although I do have exams soon and I've been abusing that excuse way too many times...), and take care of yourself.
Please remember that you're never alone in whatever you're dealing with, cheesiness and all! This year's been pretty rough for a lot of people and a break is very, very well-deserved and justified. A few days till the new year (whoop whoop!) and wishing you all the very best. Xx
If this interests you, read more at https://www.scienceofpeople.com/toxic-positivity/ - very interesting read that I highly recommend :))
Artwork by LevysFriends